e-mail humor

I am not an indiscriminate forwarder. Generally if I see something I like I pick and choose among my friends and decide which ones might like it. My e-mail list is pretty short so this doesn't take very long. I am an avid user of "snopes" and research "factual" e-mails pretty carefully before sending them. Most of the time, the "facts" turn out not to be. If I send along something that I think is funny, it's because it had me laughing outloud, but I am aware that not everyone shares my perspective on what's funny.

I recently sent the e-mail below along to a few friends I thought would enjoy it.

One old friend took offense and, yesterday, shot back an e-mail assuring me she would never forward me another e-mail and, in fact, would stop e-mailing me entirely if it bothered me so much. It upset me to think that I'd hurt her. We've known one another since 1984, but over the last few years our communications have been limited to the occasional e-mail. Honestly, she isn't one of those people who forwards a lot so I thought she'd get a kick ouf ot it. Obviously not.

I showed the e-mail I sent to her to my husband and said, "Did I miss something here?"

He read it and grinned. "You're out of practice, Dear. You never would have forwarded that to her if you'd thought about who you were sending it to. All the "you" messages are the problem. Send her an apology and let it go."

He was right, sort of. She has always been hyper sensitive and moody. And as her best friend, I was often in a position to piss her off. I apologized to her a lot, perpetuating a lifetime habit of keeping the peace (and my friends) at all costs. To be honest, over the last year or so, I've grown tired of this and have begun resenting having to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. This is an outgrowth of work, I think. But this is an old friend and I hate the idea of letting the friendship slide off into oblivion on a sour note. No one ever has so many friends that they can afford to lose one if they can do something simple and keep the friendship. So I sent the apology and I hope she'll accept it.

I still think the e-mail is funny because it speaks to hundreds of forwards we get and send in any given day. My husband has a good-hearted buddy, a man he describes as shaped roughly like a wall, who sends him dozens of e-mails every day, many of them feminine in nature. My husband thinks this is funny because of the image it brings to mind.

Things I have learned from my computer over the last year.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in thei r special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx ;since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in&n bsp;the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....