Thursday, January 07, 2010

Zombie Plan

This evening I learned of one of the biggest differences between men and women. Men, almost invariably, have a zombie plan. Women rarely do.

I learned this from my four sons who were watching the 1968 version of  Night of the Living Dead. During one of the quieter moments in the movie, one of the boys mentioned that he intended to plant land mines in his front yard to protect himself and his family from a Zombie attack. This evolved into an animated discussion over what each of them were going to do to protect themselves in this instance.

Daniel was the one who had planned the land mines. There was also something said about confusing them with kaleidoscopes (apparently Zombies don't deal well with quickly changing environments).

Jeremiah is going to use Oscar (the bloodhound who loves bubbles) as his alarm system. Oscar already sees the monsters that none of the rest of us are sensitive enough to recognize, so I'd say he's a good choice. After Oscar gives such an alarm, Jeremiah is going to fire at their heads ('cause that's how you stop them), destroying as many of them as he can while preparing to jump in his super powered vehicle, alerting the government, who he hopes will come in and bomb them all as quickly as possible.

Joseph is planning to use Sam as bait to draw them all into a pit loaded with things that blow up.

Sam (who has no intention of being bait) is going to run away to Antarctica, build a large underground house with one (obvious) entrance with a conveyor belt. When the Zombies (finally) find him, they will rush the (obvious entrance), but be unable to approach because the conveyor belt is going backwards. While they are preoccupied with the conveyor belt (which he thinks will be for a long time), he will flee out the other (not obvious) entrance to his (not at all obvious) real luxury house miles away also built under the snow.

After listening to this animated discussion for a while I finally said, "Do you guys really sit around and think about Zombie attacks?"

Surprised that I didn't already know, they said (in near unison) "Yes."

"Is this just you guys or do all men do this?"

Jeremiah, who figures he qualifies as a man these days, grinned and said, "All guys have a Zombie Plan."

"You even have a name for it?"

"Oh yeah. We start thinking about it when we're little kids and we perfect it as we get older. Girls almost never have one."

"But don't worry Mom, as long as you're with one of us, you'll be safe," said Joseph.

Whew. And I was going to stay up all night worrying too . . .


Dennis Bryant said...

Of course all men have a, "zombie plan." We just assumed that all you women knew...

Mrs. C said...

?? I have to ask my sons if they have such a thing. :)

Mary Paddock said...

Silly me. I have since learned that even my husband has one. This is clearly a piece of information I have missed. So glad to know we're safe from them.

Mrs C--do get back to me on it will you? I'm curious as to whether this is a pervasive thing--built into their psyche--or if it's sparked by exposure. :)